Abundance
“Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend." - Sarah Ban Breathnach
A note about my list of activities. Everything on the list is subject to my energy envelope. I find that I fill most of my days with low to moderate energy activities. But even on my best energy day, I can only tolerate up to eight moderate energy activities. If I add any of the higher energy activities, that number plunges dramatically.
Sometimes, I'll piggy-back high energy activities. I tolerate two high energy activities in one day better than I tolerate two high energy activities in separate days, especially if it's the next day. It's like serving my sentences concurrently rather than consecutively.
I have pain in my hips and neck always. Sometimes I have pain in my back. I get mild headaches a coupleof times a week. I get a substantial headache about once a month. My current level of pain is a steady three. On my worst days, it bumps up to a five. On a good day, for example right after my massage, it drops to a two.
I'm not quite sure how to quantify brain fog. My memory is completely unreliable, even if I have it written down on the calendar. I blurt out the wrong word several times during the course of the day. I have a hard time finding words, and sometimes my mind just goes completely blank, like a white board wiped clean. It takes me several uncomfortable seconds (10 or more) to retrieve my thought processes. Sometimes, if someone reminds me what I was talking about, I can pick up where I left off. Sometimes it's just gone, and I move on.
Did I leave anything out?
I think I thrive on stress. Not the normal background soundtrack to my life kind of stress, but the in the moment kind of stress. Like when I speak in front of a large group of people, or I race to complete a deadline, or I handle a crisis fairly well. It's almost like I feel high for an hour or two after!
And then I crash. Muscle fatigue, extreme exhaustion, brain fog, headaches -- you're all familiar with it.
I think I've been cycling in and out of it for weeks now. I wake up in the morning, and I'm hit with the worries of the day, sending a rush of adrenaline through me that won't let me doze anymore. I scurry around getting the kids off to school, and then when it quiets, I rest. The rest brings on a crash, and I can barely get out of it! Yesterday, I actually had to sit down in the shower (I'm usually higher functioning than that). I called my husband and started crying before he even said hello. Not good.
Then it's time to pick up the kids and shuttle them to various activities, and I'm living on adrenaline again. We get home in the evening, and I have to ask one of my teens to put chicken nuggets in the oven for me. I try to interact and help the kids get their homework done or get ready for the next day, but all I can manage is a little half-hearted nagging. By the time bed comes, I collapse.
It is finally dawning on me that perhaps adrenal fatigue is a part of my CFS! (Duh.) Does anyone have a way of breaking out of the stress cycle? Is there a way to "talk yourself down" from an adrenaline high? I'm interested in opinions and ideas!
I thought this was too funny -- when I went up to take my rest, I discovered that I had already made my bed! I wonder when I did that?
I hate the time change! I'm even going to go out on a limb and say that I personally believe it CAUSED my CFS! (OK, maybe the dates don't really match up, but it is still my official scapegoat.)
I followed my normal routine yesterday: took my rests when I was supposed to, went to bed at my normal time, fell asleep reasonably fast. I think I slept pretty well last night.
Then, I woke up at 6:11 am. A full 39 minutes before I need to. I couldn't get back to sleep! I got the kids up at 6:50 am, and I thought I'd slip back to sleep then (my husband takes over from there). Nope -- still up at 8 am. I'm about to cave and get up, when I finally drift back to sleep. Then in and out of sleep, not peacefully, until it's 10 am, and I have to drag myself out of bed or I am So Out of Luck (that's what the acronym stands for, right?)! To heck with yoga and even making my bed. I'll worry about the bed after my first rest.
Ugh! I am dragging and miserable! My eyes are twitching already -- never a good sign! I have been typing nonsense words while trying to get this post out; I've had to go back and erase three or four already. I feel a zombie day ahead of me. I can hardly wait to get to bed tonight. Just nine and a half more hours to go!
I have a confession. I am a certified, Mensa-qualified genius. Out of eight kids in my family, I was the smart one, the one who always did well in school. I tell you this not to brag, but as a point of reference.
This is something you do not hear about very much about CFS. We call it the weird brain thing, or just my crazies. The first thing I noticed was having a difficult time recalling names, even with people I've known and loved for years. Then, I started forgetting things on my short mental shopping list. It really freaked me out when I was driving to a friend's and I took a really weird, out of the way left turn. It took me a minute to figure out where I was going.
It's pretty commonplace now. I've left the shower with only one leg shaved. I've forgotten to shampoo before conditioning. I've wandered to the pantry only to stand there, wondering what I could have wanted so badly I'd leave my steaming hot chocolate on the table. Last night I forgot to put my pajama pants on -- walked to bed with just a short shirt. Thank goodness I've never left the house that way! My kids and I play a game called, "Guess what Mommy's really trying to say." Does "Put your clothes in the dishwasher" mean "Put your clothes in the laundry" or "Put your dishes in the dishwasher"? See, it's an adventure! You just don't know.
So, we laugh. I let my husband and kids tease me. It's probably good to be humbled about something you've always taken pride in, anyway. It makes my "lucid moments" all the more worth celebrating.
I'm working at the store tomorrow. So, I'm having a discussion with my 15 year old son and my husband. Actually, it's more like two simultaneous discussions. I'm going over my son's schedule -- he has no water practice tomorrow, but he's staying after school to lift weights on Thursday. I tell them my daughter has work tomorrow, so my husband will have to pick up my son from school. They start needling me, telling me tomorrow isn't Thursday. They think I'm having a CFS brain freeze and I've got the days all mixed up. What the...? I finally clarify for them that my son needs to be picked up from school Wednesday AND Thursday, but I'll be the one taking care of Thursday. The light bulb goes off, and they finally understand.
My son says, "What if it's been us all along?"
HA!
