Perspective

I believe that God led my husband to me.

Seriously.  The night we met, my husband had already had a date lined up.  But as the day progressed, he started feeling like he shouldn't go.  It was a persistent feeling; he thought maybe it was God trying to warn him that he'd get in an accident or something if he went.  Reluctantly, he called the young lady and canceled their date.  It was the first time he'd ever done something like that.

Now, with no plans for the evening, he had to scramble to find something to do.  Some of his friends were going to a church dance that night in Pacific Beach (San Diego).  They persuaded him to come with them.  He arrived late; it was after 11 o'clock.  He made the rounds, saying hi to the people he knew.  And then he saw me.

He knew the minute he saw me that I would be his wife.  He approached me and asked me to dance.  I said yes.  :)  We danced the rest of the night together.  He asked me for my number, and I wrote it on a gum wrapper and tucked it into his shirt pocket so he wouldn't lose it.

The first few dates we had, we talked like crazy.  He didn't even turn on the radio during the first few dates (and this is a man who loves music).  I had been planning on going up to Utah to go to BYU in a couple of months.  He decided he would quit his job and follow me up there.  I believe he would have followed me to the ends of the world, just to be with me.

It took him a mere three weeks to convince me to marry him.  I changed my plans, stayed home, and we were married December 10, twenty-two years ago.  Since that time, I would say that our marriage has fluctuated between really good and freaking amazing.

Why am I going through this story now?  Well, I have been participating in ItStartsWith.Us 's Love Bomb project.  Each week, I get an e-mail telling me of someone who is going through a hard time.  Then I, along with hundreds of other Love Bomb participants, drop by that person's blog and leave an encouraging comment.

This week, the person receiving these Love Bombs is a young woman who has been married for seven years.  She has two young children, and she is pregnant with her third.  And her beloved husband died just a few weeks ago in a hunting accident.

And suddenly, I'm thinking, I'm OK with CFS.  I don't mind it at all.  I wouldn't care if it continued to progress until I was in bed, like our dear friend Laurel, or until my eyesight failed, like our good friend Kerry.   I would only hope to face it with the courage and hope that they have.

And I'm OK with the financial troubles we've gotten ourselves into.  If we went bankrupt 60 times over, or ended up living in our van, I'd be OK with that.  And even if my kids get into trouble, struggle with drugs or teen pregnancy or failed grades or whatever, I can handle that.  Because I have my husband, that wonderful man who loves me enough to cross any ocean, climb any mountain, or stay by my side through any suffering I may endure.

Hanging on to Dear Life

Do you remember that children's game, Crack the Whip? You all hold hands, and the leader runs around, pulling everyone along. It's quite fun, unless you're the one at the end of the line. I feel like life is playing Crack the Whip with me, and I'm just trying to hold on!

I did something crazy this year. I signed my two younger boys up for soccer. In my defense, I signed them up in May, when I was feeling relatively well and expected to be feeling better by September. I didn't realize I'd be having a downturn in August that wouldn't relent for quite some time.

So, now here we are -- my boys have soccer practice Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday afternoons. We have games on Saturday. Can I just tell you how much they love it? My youngest son had never played before. He was so nervous his first day of practice! By the end of the hour, his eyes were shining and he told me, "I love it!" He is ready for practice half an hour before we have to leave. He asks me, "Is it time to go yet?" every five minutes. My older son isn't as fond of practice (because you have to run). But he loves playing in the games! He scored his first goal yesterday, and he was so proud! He is quite a natural at it -- he isn't intimidated at all, he has a good sense of the field, and he has some pretty good moves.

How could I not give them this little piece of normal childhood? Yes, it's killing me, and I don't have time for anything else (shopping? cooking? cleaning? bah, who need's them!), but I had to do it. I just had to.

I'm still working Tuesdays. My husband and I both wish I didn't have to, but there are no alternatives in sight. My husband, wonderful man, has taken on so much to ease my burdens, he is at near breaking point. If he worked my day, too, that would mean six days at work a week, plus the extra duties at home. We can't afford to hire someone else, especially when the people we've tried in the past have been so ineffective.

My oldest son was in a bike accident a couple of weeks ago. The front wheel of his bike came off, and he hit the street at relatively high speed with his face. He suffered lacerations, abrasions, a broken tooth, and a broken nose. Luckily, he was wearing sunglasses, because they were destroyed but saved him from damaging his eyes. My husband was at jury duty and I was at work the day it happened. Of course, I closed down the store and spent the day with my son in the emergency room. He looked so terrible -- we jokingly called him a zombie. I thought I was holding up pretty well for him. But, when my husband finally got back and relieved me at the hospital, I broke down completely sitting in my car in the parking lot. Boys! If they don't kill themselves, they'll kill their mothers.

I tried to go to church today, even though I knew I wasn't up to it. I love the feeling I have when I'm at church. I stopped to talk with a friend, and half way through our conversation, I was crying (I'm an emotional wreck on my bad days!). I stayed for about 15 minutes, just enough time to take the sacrament. While I was there, I saw familiar faces and the familiar routine of people going about, serving, teaching their classes, taking children to the bathroom, etc. Oh, how I miss it! I ache.

So, I'm just hanging on right now. Barely hanging on.

Post SEX-Ertional Malaise?

(Hmmm ... couldn't find an appropriate picture. For the best?)

My husband and I were considering this question. Could ... intimacy cause post-exertional malaise? I mean, it is certainly the most aerobic of any of my current activities. Could it be sabotaging all my careful efforts to pace and monitor my activity levels?

Of course, the benefits are substantial: it relieves stress; it boosts immunity; it burns calories; it improves cardiovascular health; it boosts self-esteem; it reduces pain; and it HELPS YOU SLEEP BETTER! (from WebMD)

Maybe it's like dark chocolate when you're on a diet -- it's so good for you, the calories just don't count.

Perhaps I should just keep an awareness in the back of my head and try to adjust my other activities to compensate. I really don't think I'm going to formally "pace" this one; too much scheduling takes the spontaneity and fun out of it.

Like I told my husband the other night, this is one thing I am not willing to sacrifice to CFS. The response from my so very supportive husband? "Me, neither."

Hallelujah, It's a New Year!

Yes, I survived the holidays! We finished a most trying and difficult 2008 in the best way possible -- my husband took me to San Diego's Gaslamp District for a three day get away to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. For three glorious days, we enjoyed aimless wanderings and laziness and uninterrupted idleness. We did a little walking, a little shopping, a little sight seeing, and a little dining. We lounged in our room for hours, reading and watching football games and Project Runway marathons and past Dog Whisperer episodes (there were two TVs in the room!). I took steamy hot baths each night. We went to bed at a reasonable hour and woke up whenever we wanted. I was spoiled beyond reason and it was heavenly!

We came back to town just in time for a big New Year's party with friends and all their crazy little ones. We talked and ate and played Rockband and American Idol on the Wii. We set the clocks ahead two hours when the kids weren't looking and yelled "Happy New Year" at 10 pm with little ones none the wiser. The neighbors thought we were nuts! We got home, put kids to bed, got to bed at a normal hour, and snuggled in to bring in the New Year ourselves.

There is something so wonderful about a New Year! It is fresh and full of possibilities. You come into it with all the lessons of the last year in your back pocket. You forgive yourself and let go of past failings while resolving this year will be so much better!

This is the time for me to make changes. OK, I have CFS, now it's time to learn how to live with CFS. I think it's time to stop waiting for it to just go away. It's time to put into practice the things that will make me feel better, help me get more out of my life, and make me as healthy as possible.

Thank you to all of you who have listened and given me a boost when I've needed it! It feels so good to know you're not alone, that there are others out there going through wha you are. It is nice to not have to learn all the lessons yourself. I wish you all a fantastic 2009!

My Hero!

My husband and I just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary! We didn't go overboard -- I worked at the store to give him a day off, he bought me See's candies, we went out to dinner. I find it less and less necessary for us to produce these big showy displays of declaring our love. And, last night, it became very clear to me why.

He is my hero every day. I really think he has super powers. He shields me from the piercing bullets my kids shoot me. He can dissipate frustration and induce calm with a single hug. He can read my mind and anticipate my every desire. With a single decree, he can change the world (you know, within our household).

He has spent 20 years spoiling me and supporting me and cheering me and encouraging me and making me very, very happy. I think about who I was when I came into this marriage. I didn't even know who I was. He didn't try to create me or mold me into the person he wanted me to be. Instead, he let me become who I wanted to be -- and when I thought that person was out of my reach, he opened my eyes and showed me I was capable of much more than I ever thought possible.

We are still madly, passionately in love! Here's to the next 20 years ... and the next!

Because He Loves Me!

OK -- I've had a rough week, and boy did my house show it! It was looking definitely worse for the wear. Tuesday, I had my children stay home from school to protest the CTA donating $1.2 million to the no on prop 8 campaign. I thought it would be a great time to rally them together to catch up on their chores.

I then went to Albertson's "going out of business" sale and to Wal-Mart to pick up Halloween costumes. Ooops! Did me in! I was an exhausted zombie after that.

I asked my oldest daughter (she's 17) to spearhead the "Home Blessing Hour" (thank you FlyLady). Nothing. I asked again. Nothing. A third time? Nothing. Finally, I said, "OK, guys, just get your own jobs done today." Nothing.

My poor husband comes home and it looks like a bomb had gone off. Bags of groceries from Albertson's were still scattered all over the living room floor. Every room in the house was a mess. Did he say anything about the mess? No -- but he definitely gave the kids an earful about how they had treated me when I was feeling so terrible.

Yesterday (Wednesday), I covered at the store for my husband to give him a day off. It was a lovely, slow day. It paced itself -- only three customers all day, well spaced breaks in between, few tasks that needed attention. I was really proud that I was able to make it through the day.

When I got home, if you know my husband, you can already guess what I found -- A clean home!!! Yes, the living room was clean AND vacuumed, the kitchen was clean, the loft was clean AND vacuumed -- even the bathrooms smelled better! And his very own special gift to me -- he cleaned out the pantry to make room for all that food I had just bought at Albertson's.

I know it was a labor of love. I also recognized what a blessing it is too have two parents in a family! So often, I feel like I am failing my children. I know that they needed a parent who was strong enough to insist they get their work done. I couldn't do it all week. But when Dad's big booming voice let them know this was not a debate and there would be no room for procrastination, they jumped up and got to work. More than I needed my house clean, my kids needed a parent to be strict and expect more from them.

For the past 15 1/2 years, my husband has worked his tail off so I could be a stay at home mom. That blessing is even more important to me now, while I have CFS. I know I have bad days. I know there are days when I can't be a "good" mom. But, I'm here. At least I can be a mom.