First Stop

This is what I'm going to do when I get better:

http://dyingforchocolate.blogspot.com/2010/08/chocolate-salon-news-taste-tv.html

Just Thinking ...

I woke up feeling pretty crappy today. My husband took the kids off to church, so I'm home alone with my thoughts. They have been rather strange and random, I must admit. I think they stem from lingering dreams.

Sometimes, I get caught between sleep and waking. I feel like I am being shown a deep epiphany. But, when I wake up fully, it doesn't seem to make quite as much sense as it did while I was dreaming.

Today I had an image and a thought. The image was a vast wasteland, complete and utter destruction. There was debris everywhere. It looked like a war zone or the end of the world. As far as I could see, there was nothing left. Everything was gone; everything was destroyed.

The thought I had was that there is energy inside me that I am not able to access. It is still there, I just can't reach it or tap into it or unleash it or unlock it. I can feel it during my days when I want so badly to clean my home or walk to the park or play a game with my kids. It's like that phenomenon when you've had a limb amputated and it feels like it's still there. It feels like I should still be able to do all those things. The restrictions I place on my self seem so unnatural. I'm still literally surprised when I overdo it and find I am tired. I look in the mirror, and I see the dark circles and the ashy skin and the wrinkles that chart my journey with chronic fatigue, and I am surprised.

The energy only seems to manifest itself at night, when I'm trying to fall to sleep. Then it dances all around me, taunting me, showing me it still exists, daring me to grab a hold of it. It seems to be laughing at me. I fall asleep thinking that there must be some way to harness it again. Tomorrow. When I wake up.

Coming Up for Air

I feel like I'm finally coming up for air! The past two months have been draining. I overdid it around my birthday ... learned a lot from that. It seemed like I wasn't bouncing back very quickly. Then the time change hit, and I just didn't adjust very well to it. Again, I learned a lot. I've been extra gentle with myself, and I think it is beginning to pay off.

What is this strange emotion I'm feeling the last two days? I think it is Hope. Do I dare say it out loud? I am hopeful that I am beginning to recover! I'm not expecting to wake up one morning and find CFS is gone, like some bad dream. I just feel like my understanding is growing and I am putting good habits and practices in place and I am moving toward getting better. I believe that I can, over time, gently push back the limits of this strange disease and find some breathing room. Some room to live.

Friday Night Lights

My husband and I have a standing "date." Every Friday night, we watch "Friday Night Lights" together. It is such a good show! The writers have done a fantastic job making the characters real. My husband and I relate to the fun relationship between the coach and his wife. We also get a kick out of the very realistic teenagers!

One of my favorite characters is Jason Street, the star quarterback who has a spinal cord injury that changes his life. Now confined to a wheelchair, he goes through a lot of emotions and difficulties adjusting to his new circumstances. It seems to be a bit of trial and error as he starts to make sense of his new life. What inspires me most is how he still finds a way to follow his dreams, even after his entire life is turned upside down.

One of the things that I try to do is remember that everyone has their "invisible illness." Everyone I meet has some secret pain, past or present, that keeps them from the life they originally imagined. I'm not the only one who has had a curve ball thrown at them, and I certainly won't be the last! I think I'm trying to find my own way, through trial and error, to make sense of this new life and to still follow my dreams. And I think I'm doing OK.