“Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend." - Sarah Ban Breathnach

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

After the Storm


Such pain in my heart today. I try so hard to endure it well, to hold onto hope, to find joy in the journey. Sometimes it just bubbles out of me. Of course this journey is difficult and painful. Giving in once in awhile doesn't negate my handling the situation with patience and grace. It's simply choosing not to deny the reality of the situation.

This is real suffering. That doesn't mean that there is not merit to it, that there isn't an abundance of joy. It's simply acknowledging that this sucks.

I think I started crying not because I realized that this sucks, but because I felt God acknowledging to my heart that this sucks. Yes, it is hard. Yes, I hurt. Yes, every moment of every day is a struggle. Yes, I want to be more. No. I can't.

Perhaps it's a reminder to be gentle. I can't beat myself up over what I cannot control. Pushing myself over little things is counterproductive, short term, not big picture. They are not as important as I am. Rom tries to remind me of that. Even with my limitations, he tells me, I am important to them. Now, my Father is telling me the same thing. I am important to Him.

I will take it easy today. I will be gentle. I will do one thing at a time. If I only do one thing, that is OK.


Renee said...

Oh Shelli
I am sorry your are feeing the pain so much today. There are days like that and isn't it wonderful that God say, I see your pain...I feel your pain....I will love you through your judgement, just acknowledgement. We have such a loving God, don't we. I am lifting you up in prayer and sending you hugs across the cyber world...from my heart to yours.

Sue Jackson said...

So sorry that you are having "one of those days", Shelli. We all have them, and you're right - there's nothing wrong with allowing yourself to feel the pain and sorrow once in a while.

Tomorrow will be a better day - or maybe the next day, but better times WILL come.

Take care of yourself, rest as much as you need, and hang in there. You're not alone.


Lori P said...

I'm so sorry you're down. It does SO suck. I'm hoping and praying that tomorrow will be a better day for you. Your encouraging comments to yourself are right on. One little thing at a time. That seems to be your calling for the moment.

Take care.

dominique said...

I'm so glad that you understand it is okay to cry. I think that is part of our being flexible in this illness. If we don't bend, it will break us.

I had this epiphany last week. I have been following a story about a 2 yr old little girl who has cancer and her parents have asked God why at different points of their journey?

Some people think that is wrong but I suddenly recalled last week that Jesus did that very thing in the Garden of Gethsemane. He asked God 'why have you forsaken me.'

I totally think God understands the whole realm of emotions, struggles, questions, frustrations and whatnot that come as a result of living with this illness. Nothing surprises Him.

I hope that the pain eases and you are able to function with a little more ease.

Prayers and hugs sent your way! :-)

Dusty Bogwrangler said...

Lovely description of how it feels. Sorry, I'm too pooped to respond how I'd like, so (((hugs)))) just for now.

Toni said...

Hi Shelli,

Your post is so full of insight that I would think re-reading it would be a comfort to you just as it's been a comfort to me -- reminding me that it's not my fault that I got sick and to treat myself with the same care and love that I hope to treat others.

I hope you feel a bit better today.