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Abundance

“Both abundance and lack [of abundance] exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend." - Sarah Ban Breathnach

Friday, September 17, 2010

Grieving

It's hard to go to the doctor's and tell her what's wrong.  It's hard to tell anyone what's wrong, because I spend so much of my energy, so much of my waking hours burying the problem, pushing it under the surface, trying to minimize it so I can have a normal life. 

Pain?  Sure, there's pain, but I've trained my mind not to dwell on it.  Yes, I'm so tired my bones and muscles barely function, but I sit at my computer and write, or play games, and I trick myself into thinking that I'm lazy and wasting time, when really, it's the only thing I can do.  I sit on the couch and crochet while watching TV, and I talk with my girls, not acknowledging that I am here because I can't get up, walk over, and stand in front of the stove for 15 minutes cooking dinner.  Or even stand there long enough to pop the freaking corn dogs in the oven.

I nag at my boys, insist they get their jobs done before going outside, pretending I'm just being a good mom teaching them responsibility, when really I'm begging them inside, please, do this, my work, for me with a cheerful heart.  Please, little child, help me, because I am more helpless than you.

How long, my God, my beloved Father?  How will you know when I've suffered enough?  Ho will you know that it's too much for them?  People have lived with this disease for decades, although living is perhaps too strong a word.  How much longer for me?

5 comments:

Renee said...

Your words today resonate with so many of us Shelli. So many losses, so much suffering. Today is a tough day for you...be good to yourself. Rest your body. Rest your mind. Wrap yourself up in the love of family and friends and your Lord. All will be well, friend. All will be well.

Jo said...

Shelli, you sound at the end of your tether. I think maybe it's worth printing this post and showing your doctor? You have been able to tell us how you feel. It's much harder with with nearest and dearest but perhaps they need to know too.

You take care now. Hang in. As Renee says - all shall be well.

Leanne said...

(((HUGS))))
It must be very hard being a mum with cfs.

However your children are learning many skills living this along side you. You are being a good mum ensuring they do their chores - yes maybe more chores than their friends, but work never hurts anyone! Lots of praise & thanking them when a job is done builds their self esteem too. They are going to be soo self reliant when they leave your nest.

Lots of love Leanne

cfswarrior said...

Shelli-

I'm totally crashed from my move but I saw your post and just had to comment and let you know I'm sending gentle hugs and prayers your way.

Hang in there and know we are all pulling for you...

Terri

Shelli said...

Thank you, my kind friends, your words of encouragement sink deep into my heart.

Mornings are always difficult for me. Usually, I find a way to dig myself out of it, but I gave in and wrote this post instead. Thankfully, not every day is consumed with such emotions, and I do know that there is much to enjoy and be thankful for in my life. I let myself post this because I know you, too, face these challenges, and you would understand. Thank you.